Busy as a Bee

Just got from work. I know all I do is complain but I feel like it's my get away from some people. If I don't feel like having to talk to a person, its not because I have something against them or that I'm tired of them, its just sometimes, I just don't want to deal with anything, when I'm at work, all that running through my head is, "Belini, 2 salads, Chicken Parm sub Alfredo, more Bread.Etc." Too busy to think of anything else, when I start to think about certain things, I start to get emotional, so I try to swallow myself in work. I don't think about anything else, I just stress about work. I know its a bad way to do this, but I feel like hey if I'm going to be busy, might as well make money out of it. It would be nice to have a day just to relax, but I don't know what ends up happening. I hate the feeling of a wasted day. I have no days off. Have to at least have school or work. Its even better when it's both. My days go by faster, and I'm being productive.

After high school I subconsciously made a promise to myself to always stay busy. I use to be the one sitting there, it sucked because it wasn't my choice. I was often put to the side, for reasons I won't say. I realized to get over this was focus on my goals. This really helped me get through a lot of things, and I guess I have embedded that into my head, work and school. My other energy that I focused on being in a relationship, were directed to school and work. Now I guess I'm scared to divide my invested time into effort for anytime of relationship. I know I'm going to get karma one way or another for the things I've done. A part of me is scared it will affect my work and school pathway. With other things, I just simply started to not care, if you know me and noticed how I am, you'll realize what it is.

If I'm not in school or work, I try to take dance classes. Its another hobby I can run away to. I know its so typical to say, but its so true. I know I'm not that good, but hey, thats why I'm trying to make an effort to learn.

A lot of the things that I'm doing right now, I feel obligated to reach that goal one way or another. I got the server job I've always been wanting, and I got the receptionist job I wanted to try out. I got those down, now I got new goals and I just hope if I keep working at them I'll get there.

Sometimes I feel like I need to give up something, to get further to where I want to go. Its not something I want to do, but its more of a defense mechanism. Just a lot of questions running through my head.

On the bright side, a coworker complimented me, it really made me feel good. "Except that eye stuff." Haha

Anyhow, I'm going to bed. Sleep is the only time when I don't worry about things.

p.s. "Sup whinier?"