The Unexpected Happenings

So I decided to start a blog because I missed having my xanga, and even though I make fun of people who blog, (Marc A. and Cheryl) I gave in. A couple of reasons why I decided to start blog, first is because, I've realized that I have shut out a couple of people in my life and never really told them why, and if they even really cared, they could read this and figure it out, another one is I work at an office and its pretty dead most of the time so I might as well do something productive maybe jot down some thoughts and whatnot, try to expand my vocabulary. And another reason is because when I do blog, I do it on myspace and after a while, a lot of blogs on myspace look pretty ugly.

So what had happened to me and a certain person had inspired me to blog. A lot of things have been happening to me lately, I just tried to phase myself from everyone, just because I have certain goals I just want to accomplish. Now I'm starting to realize my head is in the right place. There are probably things that are said about me that I know would piss me off, but hey the way I think of it is that, if a person is talking about me, either they're jealous of me so thats why they would point out little things that I'm doing wrong to embellish that maybe they're more "innocent" or "better than me." I'm not pointing out names or anything I'm just saying.

One thing has been seriously bugging me, fakeness. I will admit I can be fake but its usually to an extent, I know when to be fake and when not to be. Majority of the time I'm myself. Yes, I may come off as a bitch but hey I just want to be blunt with everything. I don't want to go through this whole BS. For instance with friendships, I want people to be straight forward with me, if you got a problem with me, talk about it, don't be fake to me because that isn't a good character to be, plus you'd just be a pussy for not being able to tell the truth. For the past year I have filtered out people who I feel weren't being real or up front with me. I don't want to pretend everything is good with a person if deep down they have an issue with me. Its just so high schoolish, I'm not trying to say that I'm grown or anything, I'm just trying to be more mature with my actions. Now when I make a decision, I start to think of the consequences. To me there's a difference between being fake and being civil, if I see someone that I know would be too sensitive if I just totally brush them off or its an important event, I'll be civil, to me this means, I'll say "Hi" and walk away, thats it. I mean its not the right way to approach it but, at least I said something to them, I won't try to make any conversation with them. Fake is if I talk to someone I have an issue with and talk as if we were friends all over again, and tell them we need to chill. I mean maybe I do that sometimes but its only by accident. Now I'm just trying to be more self aware.

I'll admit I talk shit every now and then but you think anyone can actually not? People talk, let them. There's one person I'd really like to apologize to, its been eating me up for a while actually. When a certain event had happened to me, I started to think of this person, and I just got mad at myself because I realized I am a total hypocrite. I don't want to be like that anymore. Kinda sucks because that person just doesn't want to deal with me anymore.

There is a particular person I have and issue with, but I don't even want to talk to them, because I feel like they are not worth my time. At first I did want to resolve it with them but now when I think about it, I'm just thinking whatever, you're probably going to be fake with me anyhow. So whatever this person says to me won't sound genuine. How can you be a "friend" with someone for a long time, and then you talk about them as if you don't like them and think everything that they're doing is wrong. If you were a true friend, you'd talk to them face to face and tell them straight up, and tell them the truth and not try to screw them over. I know that I've been talking about being honest and up front with someone, but I'm just so unsure and hurt by this person, I don't want to associate with them. To know that they have an issue with me for the longest time, and be fake to me. I don't want to try to talk to someone like that. People might think this person is all innocent and caring, but to me it doesn't feel genuine.

Enough with all this, I'm just happy with how things are now. Even though I work a lot and don't really have time with my friends. I just want to say for the people who I do see or talk to on a daily basis, I want to thank them. Even though I have a busy schedule and for them as well to have a busy schedule but still take the time to call me and try to plan something, even though maybe sometimes it doesn't follow through because of the business, I still appreciate that call or text asking "what doing?"

I feel like as of right now, my life is all about school and work. I just want to get out of community college and finally go on to a state college and finish up and get a real job. The thing that urks me about a lot of people I know is that they get things handed to them on a sliver platter and don't seem to appreciate it. I know before I was like that but after certain events built up and happened, I realized I need to start taking care of responsibilities. (I have someone to thank and he knows who he is.) I'm proud to say that I've stayed on track when it comes to school, and work as well. I'm not fully independent, but I do pay for half of things that I need to take care of, but damn those credit cards, I was so stupid with them. When I think of people that don't work or go to school, I'm kinda disappointed. I'm jealous of people who's parents pay for their schooling, I have to pay for my own school and other things, and I don't get any days off, it kind of makes me sad, but hopefully in the end it will pay off.

To end this blog on a sort of weird note. Things about me have been said, and I'm sad to say that I proved some people right. I had hurt a lot of people that have mattered to me the most. I don't know what to make it better except to be the best I can be now. Person number one, its just karma asshole. Person number two, it wasn't that I meant to do what I did I just had to work more and have school, it doesn't mean I love you anyless or not, you're family, even though you fuck up sometimes I still care, its my bad that I haven't had the time to talk to you, I just want to be so up front with you on everything hopefully you'll listen to me learn from my mistakes. To person number three, I'm sorry for everything that I had ever put you through, I know you'll find something even better out there. I don't know who to right the wrongs I did, but thanks to you, I want to try to be the best person I can be. Hella gay to say but you really opened up my eyes. Out of so many, you were the only one who dealt with my BS and was straight forward with me and still stuck with me. It shows me your character, and makes me want to change myself.

Here's the other side of the coin. This person and I have a new beginning, a lot of people talk, some are total BS some are true, but thanks for looking past that. To my glue, backpack, and eraser, its going to be an earthquake with me in your life. I feel like now that I really have to start straighting up, just because there are people that are giving me the benefit of the doubt I want to prove them right and their time isn't being wasted, and for what other people say, I want to prove those assholes wrong. I love it when people expect me to be a certain way because of whats said about me, but when you get to know me, I am far from it. Don't believe everything you hear. I need to start doing that.

Ok well I have to figure out how to entertain myself for another 3 hours.